I Wish I Still Loved You
by GigaRose
Summary: A Post Rescue Peeta that follows him as he struggles with the new image the capitol has imposed upon him, his ability to understand his relationship with Katniss, and the recurring guilt he has- he can never let her go.
1. Thinking of You

Thanks to Suzanne Collins for the characters, but I wanted to think about Peeta's double personality he's dealing with thanks to the Capitol.

Listened to a lot of music: We Remain- Christina Aguilera, All Shook Up-Avila, Dead to Me-Simon Curtis, Temper Trap-Sweet Disposition

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**Peeta POV (Catching Fire/Mockingjay)**

If I was sane

I'd want you to stay

But when I look at you

I just see a dark space

And I need it

_Gone._

If I was sane

I'd tell you to breathe

I'd stop your glare, and hope to unfurl your brow

I could take the chance

And say how beautiful you are.

If I was sane

I'd be brave with you

I'd take your hand

And when it mattered most

I could say that I was there- for you.

If I was sane

I could tell you

How much you matter

It's important that you remain

If I was sane

I'd tell you about the light

The one at the end of the tunnel

You'd understand my fear.

If I wasn't insane

I could tell you how I feel like fuse.

I've been lit,

And you gotta get out

Before we both dissolve into nothingness.

If I was sane

Couldn't we have tried?

I messed up, and I'm never going to get to apologize.

_I must have loved you a lot, because that part of me fights everyday. He's clawing to get to surface. I feel like I'm drowning._

I should accept that I love everything I hate.

My head says no, and my heart tells lies.

_I've slowed down and I can see all the things it steered me into. It's steered me into one too many lies. _

I need to believe myself when I say,

That I'm giving up on you.

If I was sane

I'd hate me today.

I'll hate me tomorrow.

Eventually you'd be able to hate me enough, so that I can stop.

Stumble

And be left

To fall

As a sinner, so you can remain. Katniss

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**Thanks for reading. Please Review!**

**- Gigarose**


	2. Understand Me

**Just another angst filled day in the life of crazed victor- Peeta Mellark.**

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When I see you now….

I'm terrified. Almost to the point where I'm petrified into the spot I'm standing. Backing away from you quickly.

I don't want to be a piece in your Game anymore.

You see him, but say that you need me.

Katniss you say that Gale is your oldest friend, but when I go to leave you tell me it's you that can't live without me.

But when I've finally come back from being split in two, and I can see you… I see now.

Across the table from me I realize and understand that you don't need me after all.

_I don't understand._

When I see you with him an arm wrapped around him leaning and whispering I'm suddenly tired.

You've calculated a cruel method of glares and empty words.

I can't unsay the fact that that I hate when I see you.

When I see you I feel like screaming out. I feel like throwing-up, and turning away without a second glance.

But it is almost impossible, since I can hear him.

I almost see Gale whispering his poison to you, " He's dangerous, and he almost hurt you", "Katniss, I'll be your protector".

You say nothing at all.

I want this to just be some capitol induced lie. But I've been curious.

I've been curious for a time of the Capitol, of District 13, of Haymitch, and especially you.

I need to know when you are feeding me lies. I don't want it to always be this way.

I want to move on from this crazed state.

_I want to understand._

When I see you now.

When I hear you, I know that I've over idolized you.

I've put you onto an impossible pedestal.

You asked me to forget, but I said I didn't want to.

Couldn't fathom never having the chance to tell you. I love you and mean it.

My remake as the capitol creation would like you to think otherwise.

He particularly rejoices every time you recoil from me, but me.

I just hurt. He's hurting me and he's hurting you.

He plays a good game. Using one stone to slowly kill two birds…

_I need you to understand._

Somedays it's worse. I question myself, I was playing you, or were you playing with me?

Would I do something like that? Katniss could you have meant it?

My mind is a jumble, but will you ever answer me?

I'm coming to think in this crazed world you never do and never will give me straightforward answer.

When I get like this it's not me. He's in control. He makes me think about you. I think about you and Gale.

I imagine that is still whispering to you.

I'm imagining what I must look like as I continuing to wander around.

I'm ambling, clumsily feeling around the life I've been given.

Aware of how fortunate I am to be alive, and that your charmer has saved your sanity.

But the blade has two sides and in doing so Gale has sentenced me to eternal damnation.

You're there, and I'm here. Almost as though a veil is separating us.

But if I were only a simple veil and I could rush toward your open arms.

_Please help me. Do you understand?_

When I look at you I hope I get better, but then I see your viper.

He's a reminder of why getting better isn't high on the list. Y

ou just seem so much more…you. When I see Gale with you, Katniss you look and speak as if you were actually moving forward.

When I look at you now I start to see a life that's jumbled, but slowly being pieced together.

But the coin is easily flipped and the work is ripped back apart.

When I see you so much comes to mind: a hunter, an ally, an enemy, and a victor.

Whenever I try to add more to the list to describe you and figure you out I come a perplexing situation, I can't tell when you're real or when you've made up another part. Can you describe to me way you care that I remember correctly?

In the instances that I lose my mind. You are scared, but Katniss multiply that infinitely.

I'm trapped listening and hearing myself speak to you and to others.

I don't really get a reprieve. You hate me when I'm back, but hate me when I'm gone.

I had wanted to be more than a piece of their Games, and more than a target to you.

I'll have to remember everything about you the good, the bad, the real, the pleasant, the nightmares, the screams, and the inevitably terrorizing illusions.

You're the one who wasn't paying attention.

Katniss you let them take advantage, so that you became the pathetic pawn swayed by her emotions.

_I hate you. I hate them. Eventually you'll understand._

When I look at you I'll get to remember everything.

But you'll have the benefit to remember bits of me.

As Poor Peeta who set out to embarrass you in an interview;

Stupid Peeta for not playing into the Games, since his family didn't need him;

Dejected Peeta who should've died, but rather decided to live on

As confused Peeta who was prey to fall for your lies.

Or you get the choice to remember me as Stubborn Peeta would've let you live for your mother, sister, and Gale instead of himself.

As evil, vile, disgusting Peeta who tried to viciously kill you from an intense conditioning of fear and self-loathing.

You'll remember the boy with the bread.

I'll die knowing so much more about the girl who was on fire.

_You should pay attention. Do you understand now?_

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**Thanks for taking a look. Still a work in progress. Happy almost New Years!**


	3. What You Are

**A/N: Check back on chapter 2, because I just did a major edit. MAJOR, since it doesn't even remotely look or read the same way... please.**

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Katniss, it's 4:35 A.M.

Life's tough for everyone, the only thing most important is moving forward.

You're feisty, brilliant, and yet you want to forget. You've been losing sleep. You stopped praying. I know, you told me. I remember you clearly telling me this after district 5, Foxface's home.

But we're losing time. We're so young, but so old at heart and in the mind. Forced to grow up without what is essential to a child a mother and a father.

You have to remember that when you choose to forget it'll be also be about Prim.

Maybe you won't physically forget about her, what she looked like or how she sounded. But the important parts of her character and what she stood for?

When we choose to forget our hearts can get dark and our minds cloudy, so just think about it. Once you start the fire it's hard to put it out once it's begun. Wouldn't you rather have a singed memory than none at all? **You're not that cruel.**

Lately I've been losing sleep. It's a cycle more vicious than after the first game. I'll be lucky if I slip in thirty minutes after I write this, and then start the day.

I have dreamed about the things we could be or should be at this point.

I've been counting stars, jumping flames, paving the way with words for so long. Katniss I'm struggling. You won't receive my calls, letters, or even let anyone I send check on you. How can I not even get a good-bye? You and I managed to not only make our history together accessible- we've become our worlds' first-rate entertainment. Until death do us part, at least that's what they hoped. **You're not that selfish.**

We'll forget all the most important parts of our lives. We'd forget ourselves. We'd never remember how we grew to become stronger.

Our train home, you were 16 and I was almost 17. But by then my heart was swung across a line. You just didn't decide to even try to push off. Yet you let me swing my heart across the line, until I grew to resent myself, until I decided by the next games that I wasn't need. Something I still firmly believe.

My own mother, OUR district, OUR mentor, the sponsors, the tributes, the capitol- everyone new it. Gale was right at least once- you couldn't placate everyone. There's no way for you to keep yourself alive by consistently solving problems of those who you deem worth protecting. Katniss, you forced fates hand. Beyond that, you lied. **You're not a constant defender.**

Just doing what we're told. Playing the part as promising lovers. You and I, we displayed a real gift for pacing and plotting, detailing our history so deftly and intricately woven as if from threads of the same story, and sometimes when we got it just right into a life that vividly came alive before Panem's very eyes.

I feel so wrong doing the right thing. Loving you. Stonewalling my heart from you. Opening up again, but not about letting you go, or about almost destroying you. You didn't let me sacrifice myself even when it would've been best. You've done this from the start, so me stopping you. Preventing that night lock from entering your system was a return. How could you lie to yourself and think that I'd let you go that easily. How could you lie to yourself about how much I need you? It only makes me reinforce the thought that you don't need me half as much as I need you. **You're not stupid, Katniss you keep me feeling alive.**

Katniss do you remember you said don't leave me here alone? I had hoped that by morning light that we could feel safe and sound, but we couldn't. We had a mission- to kill snow. I'd been praying hard, and counting the time by each breathe. Gale had said you'd choose whom ever you couldn't survive without. But he broke the code. Gale helped to design a weapon that could have kill Prim. You would never survive with a man that possibly dealt a hand in whisking her away. He took Prim away from the disaster, and managed to save her. He helped her from being apart of the horror that waited. **You're kind; so entertain the thought that you've got it wrong.**

I can't wait one minute I want to see you. Doctor's asking me to think hard about my destination, but I've been drowning here. Whatever happens to me I know ultimately that I'll end up home in twelve. I don't really connect with people like I used to, and most think I'm a freak. They won't say it to my face, but it's their eyes. Always the eyes that give away the fear. They're almost right, but I'm looking to change that. They can burn me with there fire filled stares or drown me with icy rain, and call me a sinner. I'm coming home. I need to be home. It's where you are, and seeing you will calm me. Maybe we'll find out who we were meant to be. No one to get in the way; no one forcing us, blackmailing us, threatening us, because we don't have much else to lose Katniss.** You're my home; even you think you're too confused to open the door to let me in.**

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Don't forget to give me some feedback. Anything is appreciated because lord knows I need it.


	4. How I am

**A/N: Actually spent days on this chap. It's be written and re-written so many times. I actually had split it into three pieces because it got to long, so the next updates shouldn't be so bad, but life is catching up to me, so creative thoughts are going to be scarce. But I'm keeping up with my theme of Peeta talking through his recovery in the capitol to Katniss. I haven't heard much from people, so if you have any thoughts maybe a review would help me cook up something that you were wondering about from Peeta's view too.**

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I start off what tell you out right- I am not crazy.

Let's just get that out of way now Katniss. I'm just a little out of practice.

Dr. Aurelius defines it more as a weakness. It's a weakness that's undone me, but I thought I was in it for the long-term, but I understand now that your view is only for the short-term. Your survival background deems it a necessity from you, so will it always be this way? A question of who will make to see the sun rise tomorrow.

A challenge to universe of who can play survival of the fittest.

Dr. Aurelius talks and I listen most of the time, but I'm too tired to take in too much of what he says to me lately. I listened to the scientists of the capitol before, and look where it got me.

Look what it did to you.

To us.

As if there ever really could have been an us…

He tells me that part of what is burdening me is that I know your secrets. At least I tell myself that I need to safeguard your secrets.

He said today that it's how I cope now. It's part of the way I am, and I can't help but think- of the mutt in my dreams, the one that never strays from my dreams for too long. She knows my secrets, and she's after yours.

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I used to bother my brother at night. I would talk in my sleep and wake him up with my incessant cries. But nights like tonight I wish he were here now to tell me to shush, to put a hand on my shoulder, to tell me that it wasn't real, and to lie to me that my mother loved me. It's this thought that triggered those evil shiny images to pop up tonight, and I began a battle to keep my mind, whatever is left of it now.

But after each one of these I just wish you were there somehow. Dr. Aurelius says that pretty soon they'll come to get me, if I can't improve.

I know right now you can't tell. You can't see what being away from you is doing to me. So right now, just for a while could you just stay? This image I see of you. The voice I hear tells me that you need me. The voice that I know, in my heart of hearts will probably never be able to want me. I would like this person to be here.

Even though you can't really be here. I'd still like for you to see a much more different side of me. After my fight for improvement each day. I'm able to pick myself up, and brush myself off.

I'm getting better at looking better than I did in 13. I think of how glad I am that you are somewhere I can find you. Somewhere we will be on equal playing ground. I've lost just about everything there is to lose and so have you.

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I had another dream tonight, I could see the planes of your face: your chin, your determined eyebrows, and your lips- everything. I can't help but feel like I need to memorize every inch of your face, like a blind man hoping beyond hope that he will see what he once did, all over again.

You seemed so kind, and when you opened your eyes they smoldered and burned into me with their desire. You seemed to have chosen in this dream. But after looking and not touching for what felt like hours I moved. I went for the kill; however, just as I got close enough to you and then you were gone. Almost as though my subconscious is trying to reinforce the message that you've so clearly bestowed upon me.

You don't wait for what you don't need.

After my dream I hope beyond hope that soon enough you will think of me. I've gone back and forth with Dr. Aurelius telling him what's real or not real. I watch tapes and listen to others account of how it used to be.

When I wasn't split in two.

When I wasn't torn into shreds.

Of how I was saved from my cell.

But I can attest that from one hell I was brought and only transferred into one more kind of torture.

Only slowly pieced together with a very weak glue. A weak bond. No rock to settle on and depend on at all.

My family gone.

My home destroyed.

My life taken three times over.

In this vivid and almost too sane a moment I wish to ask where you were… If he'd answer truthfully I'd ask Haymitch. But we both know along with others that he clearly holds ties with you.

Tonight I wish to ask you so much, but I know you can't answer me now, and maybe you never will be able to at all.

how you could let me be this way? Why could you never let me be enough, and why was I not worth you coming to save- Katniss will you ever answer me?

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I've missed my chance. And you're too late. You've already chosen, it's not me, but thankfully it's not him either. Dr. Aurelius had me think about what it means to have a choice. He had me visualize and begin a list of things from my life that I regret having no choice in. I thought of you and I, and he almost seemed disappointed and sad. I watched as his brows furrowed together, and his lips were forced into a firm line of deep assessment as he contemplated my words as left his room today.

_"She'll go on with her life without ever knowing how much I appreciated her and her actions. She'll never understand the feeling that I've wasted my life, my mind, and my heart. Because it will love her forever."_


End file.
